Motivation and lack thereof.

I did alright today, despite the little voice in my head whispering about the delicious things I could order at work, and how one more day wouldn't hurt, and didn't I want to try that new pasta dish? It was a little difficult to push away temptation, because I don't really have a motivation to. That's the problem with the whole "I don't mind being fat but let's lose some weight anyway." There's no sense of urgency.

I ended up managing to order something appropriate by thinking about how horribly cranky I was the last couple of days, and reminding myself I'd just feel that way again if I went and ate a bowl of chocolate. And then I nearly ordered dessert anyway because one of my tables did and it smelled so good. That's the problem with working in a restaurant: constant exposure to my trigger foods. I have to keep reminding myself that it makes me feel physically unwell to eat that stuff more than once every couple of weeks. It's not worth feeling like I have a boulder in my stomach. Right?

Easier day.

I had less cravings, but I also felt so tired all day. And I suck at remembering to take my vitamins.

Knowing and doing.

I know that if I just eat appropriate things for a few days, the sugar cravings and crankiness will go away. I know that just a couple of days of wanting to scream at everyone who looks at me will pass quickly, and then I'll go back to feeling level and not hungry most of the time.

Yesterday I gave in and had french fries late at night; today I made it through. Hopefully that will make tomorrow easier!

Still alive.

Not that this makes me unique, but I freaking hate getting sick. Colds that might make normal people miss one day of work knock me out for three or four days. Which is actually an improvement -- before I had sinus surgery, an average cold would have me lying on my couch and unable to breathe for two weeks. So, you know, progress.

I haven't been paying the slightest bit of attention to what, if anything I've been eating, other than trying to eat a piece of fruit or something carrots every few hours for the vitamin value. Some days that was all I ate. One day, when I absolutely had to go to work (sorry to anyone I infected, bastard managers), all I ate that day was a chocolate dessert because the hot chocolate and cold ice cream sounded like heaven on my throat.

Yesterday, though, I engaged in some ridiculous emotional eating. I don't know what macaroni and cheese and ice cream would solve, but it didn't work. Instead I felt jittery and nauseous and even threw up a little. Lesson learned.

Damn you, immune system.

How am I getting sick MORE often now that I'm taking vitamins and eating more produce?

Dragging ass.

I think I could easily sleep for a week right now! Not for any particular reason, just feeling quite tired and as such have nothing interesting to say!

I'd rather be fat.

One of my friends just started this crazy "HCG diet." I say crazy for three reasons. First, I don't think taking such a potent hormone can really be safe -- assuming someone on the diet is taking actual HCG rather than a sham drug to the first place. Second, There are a whole bunch of strange restrictions -- like she can't have tomatoes, or strawberries, this, that, or the other thing. There seems to be no rhyme or reason to it. The third reason is it's severely, severely low-calorie: 500 calories a day. Holy. Jesus. For a few days, maybe. But whatever version of this she's latched on to, she's planning on eating 500 calories a day for 42 freaking days.

I can safely say I'd rather be a lardass than subject myself to that kind of idiotic regime. She's hungry all the time, tired and weak and cranky, spending a lot of money on the "hormone drops" .... it's ridiculous. It blows my mind that she finds low-carb too restrictive, but is still attempting this. She buys in to the idea that it will "permanently re-set" her metabolism and after that she can just go back to eating whatever she wants. Sigh.

Two more days.

It wasn't as hard to get back on track as I thought it would be; the last couple of days have been good. I've been cranky about it, going through a little sugar withdrawal, but nothing major. Been a couple of humdrum sort of days.

The not-delayed weigh-in.

I was going to put my weigh-in off for a week, because the last week hasn't been so great. I didn't deny my hormonally-induced cravings like I should have, then I was sick, then I was feeling sorry for myself, and then last night my friends and I finally went to a restaurant we'd been talking about going to for a year. So basically I made bad choices for the last week, and I was going to give myself a week to at least take of the retained water weight. Then I decided it would be better to stick to the monthly date no matter what.

So, as of this morning I'm at 259 pounds from a starting point of 275.

Sick.

I don't know if I got some stomach bug or what, but I was sent home from work because I was throwing up and I feel miserable.

At least I don't want to eat!

AHHHHHHH!

I've had two meals in the last two days that were off the rails. I need to work on my impulse control during my period, that's always when I lose my focus.

On the plus side, I've been doing much better with my water consumption the last couple of days! It's really nice to have water and ice cubes that taste .... clean.

Increasing my water intake, low-carb treats.

I really like water -- as long as it's cold! -- but I have a hard time drinking it at home because the water in my house tastes weird. More than that, it gives me a headache! My old roommate used to get headaches too. I've been buying 2 gallon jugs of water, but tonight I finally got a Pur filter for my sink. I also got a big plastic jug to keep in my fridge; so now I can have ice cubes and chilled water that doesn't taste funky.


I've been getting myself little low-carb treats the last couple of weeks. In previous attempts, this would've meant stuff full of sugar alcohols and aspartame, some imitation of a high-carb treat. Now, though, I'm treating me to good real food. Right now, I'm snacking on "deluxe" mixed nuts -- no peanuts! Yummy! And they're seasoned with sea salt rather than regular salt, so they have an interesting tang to them. And more potassium than sodium, which is always good. Last week, I got 1/4 pound of lightly smoked gouda and 1/4 pound of creamy havarti. It's too rich to eat more than a slice of at a time, but soooooo good. Simple things, but little things for a bit more variety and a little indulgence!

Didn't eat pizza.

Although that may be more a result of falling asleep watching tv than any sort of willpower! Cooked some chicken when I woke up and had a sugar-free whole fruit popsicle. Pretty uneventful day, pizza craving aside.

Oh god, I want pizza.

All day today, I've been craving various things I don't need to be eating. First was boneless wings from Chili's. Then more McDonald's. Then pizza. I ate some delicious salty almonds, and that helped. Then I saw a pizza commercial and now it's all I can think about. Ooey, gooey cheese and warm sauce and slightly crunchy pepperoni ... fuck! Driving me nuts!

Relatively unscathed.

Well, yesterday's McDonald's meal didn't send my spiraling out of control today, which is great. I didn't feel all bloated up today, which surprised me; and I didn't have wicked sugar cravings either! Oh, I admit I had a couple of thoughts of "it didn't hurt yesterday, it won't hurt today..." but then I slapped myself silly and walked away from the chocolate.

Mostly. I did get one single Reese's peanut butter egg at the store. It was 18g of carb, and it was delicious. Yes, it could've been spent on something else, but I budgeted for it. I didn't even want a second one when I finished it.

Wish my tax return would come so I could get my pedometer!

ETA: Realized I've really really been itchy today. Wondering if it's connected to what I ate, that was more wheat than I've had at once in a month. Hmm.

Why I need to remember to eat.

I wasn't hungry before work and forgot to eat. I munched some cashews that I had in the car, just because they were there. Then I ordered some food after the dinner rush .... and we got totally freaking slammed again. I never got a chance to eat. I threw my food in a box, thinking I'd eat it when I got home. For an hour after close I worked to help clean up the horrible mess all over the restaurant; then we all packed up our stuff and left.

On the way home I listened to a rambling voicemail from my father's drunken hag of a girlfriend. I started thinking about what I was going to do for dinner ... and realized I'd forgotten my boxed-up chicken. Dammit.

There's no point in going through all the mental processes; the end result was self-justifying right through McDonald's. Could have all been avoided if I'd just freaking eaten. But I didn't eat anything but a few cashews for about 24 hours and then ran around for several straight hours, stressing out. I should know by now that sort of behavior sets me up for crashing blood sugar and idiotic, emotional decisions.

Ah well. Tomorrow is another day, during which I will not make the same stupid mistake.

Probably too much sugar; Victoria's Secret.

One of the benefits of working at a corporate restaurant is that certain things are always pre-weighed and measured. So when I decided I wanted some potatoes tonight, I knew if I ordered the red potatoes they were a certain amount that I could budget for. One of the negatives of working at a corporate restaurant if that we have eighty varieties of sauces. So the cook screwed up and put the wrong sauce on my breadless "sandwich," and I was so hungry that I didn't notice until I was halfway through it. The sauce in question has a lot of sugar in it. Damn! Hopefully it didn't do too much damage; I hardly had any carbs at all the rest of the day.


After my post last night, I started thinking about why I dislike Victoria's Secret so much. I mean, I think most of their ads are fucking retarded. And it drives me crazy how none of the women in their ads feature women actually wearing bras that fit instead of ones small enough to make their tits burst out. And their anorexic-looking models make me want to barf. But when I started actually thinking about it, I realized that my dislike of it actually started with something ages ago.

Long ago, probably when I was 19, I went to VS trying to find something sexy to wear for my boyfriend. I was mildly fat at that time; I don't really remember what clothing size I was wearing back then, or how much I weighed. I trotted in there and grabbed some bras in the size I normally wore. But when I tried them on, they wouldn't even go around me! I couldn't even get them hooked! I tried going up a band size, but that still didn't work. I got irritated and left, thinking their sizes much be screwed up. If I wore a 36, and their 38 wouldn't even go around me, then obviously they bras much run smaller. And I didn't really think about it anymore after that; I kept buying bras at Wal-Mart, and then at Lane Bryant.

Thing is .... it wasn't until I worked at Lane Bryant, in 2006, that I actually was measured. I'd been wearing a 36C since I was 15, and I actually needed (by then) a 40D! So of course those bras at VS wouldn't fit me. They were the wrong cup size (my actual breast size hasn't changed with weight), and possibly the wrong band size. Plus, their were molded cups with underwires, when I'd been wearing basically sports bras. But I'd never tried other styles, so I didn't really figure that out. Seems stupid in retrospect. But I never thought about it! I just disliked Victoria's Secret .... turns out for no reason.

Kind of excited now about the idea of being able to get something there! Although I looked at the bra I was talking about yesterday and it was actually a 42 rather than a 40, so I'm still quite a while away from that.