See, right now is a perfect example of why I came back to this long-neglected blog. It's 6:45 a.m. and I haven't been to bed yet. This is partially because I stayed up all night yesterday and then sort-of slept from 11a.m. to 7p.m. But it's more because my brain is running in circles and I'm feeling miserable, and I knew that if I went to sleep before I was utterly exhausted, I would end up sobbing in to my pillow. And my friends have to be tired of hearing this shit -- even if any of them were awake. Furthermore, a couple of them are severely fucking irritating me with their responses, and of course those are two that know about my regular blog.
It's nothing earth-shattering; it's nothing a normal person my age hasn't gone through several times. But it's only the second time I've been in love, and the first time I've been dumped. I am not fucking dealing with it well. For example, I know he's on his way to work right now. I know he'll spend all day outside in the godawful heat, because he does landscaping. I know he'll be all tan and muscular from months of work, and that he's got a new tattoo I haven't seen. And I know I'll never see any of this, because I haven't seen him in three months and he hasn't communicated with me at all since June 11th. And it makes me sick to my stomach. It also makes me feel helpless, and hopeless, and that makes me want to drive to McDonald's for some greasy, carb-laden, nasty junk food, because my emotional eating has been completely out of control since December.
I know it wouldn't fix anything. It doesn't matter what I eat; he doesn't care about me. A couple of my friends, when I say things like that, have tried to tell me I should use it as a reason to lose weight so if I see him again I can rub how good I look in his face. I gave up on trying to explain it to them, but that's stupid in several ways: 1) I probably won't see him. 2) That's incredibly high school. 3) He loves big women. His ex before me was even bigger. Losing weight would make me less attractive to him.
Another of my friends is completely "in love" after dating a guy for about two weeks, and keeps talking about how "it's scary to give your heart to someone completely." I want to fucking throttle her every time she says something like that, especially when I just poured my heart out about how much I'm hurting and she answers with, "I wish I could make it better. I just had the most amazing day with my boyfriend and then we had sex all night. But it's scary to give your heart to someone completely." Gah.
And another one, when she asks how I am and she can tell I'm sad, thinks it's appropriate to lecture me about how I met him. We met on a sex site. I wasn't looking for a boyfriend, he wasn't looking for a girlfriend. It just ended up that way. But this friend always jumps in to, "I just think you were really looking in the wrong place. You can't expect to have a real relationship with someone you meet like that!" Never mind that it wasn't supposed to be any more than sex. He's the one who took it anywhere else -- and if as soon as we'd had sex he'd changed, that would be one thing. I'd write him off as a jackass and move along. But for two months after he kept telling me how I was so special, how he couldn't wait to see me, how he was so glad he knew me. And I've tried to tell her, every time, that I'm well aware you don't go on a sex site intending to find a boyfriend. But instead of acknowledging that however we met, I've had my heart broken ... she just lectures. I've hardly talked to her the last couple of months because of it.
Time for this stream of consciousness to end, because I have to take my grandmother to a chemotherapy appointment. But at least I spent the time typing instead of binging.
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