Anyway, hat's the only side effect of last night's exercise I'm feeling. A friend asked me how I felt today, like I was supposed to be all energized or something I guess. And I know for some people exercise releases endorphins that make them feel good, less depressed, etc. They just make me cranky that I'm sweaty and hot and feel like my entire head is pulsing. Oh well!
At least so far today I'm not having any cravings. Cravings require thought or desires, I think, and I feel totally empty of either today. I've got four hours before my date gets here and I have a bunch of stuff to do around the house -- probably only an hour or so, but it seems absolutely insurmountable, possibly because I just don't feel excited about him coming over. I don't feel much of anything about it. It's not really even a date; he'd just be a source of sex. And it is so not like me to be hesitating about that. Joys of depression/heartbrokenness I guess. The thing that pisses me off is that for a while, I was doing pretty okay. Then one of my best friends got engaged and it's like a dam of jealous misery cracked open in my head. Gotta run out eventually though.
Had leftover LC mac and cheese with chicken for breakfast; a glass of milk and a peach for a snack. Realized I don't say nearly as much about food as a lot of bloggers do, but that's really on purpose. Part of me wants to write everything down and weigh and measure and track it just for curiosity's sake, and because I'm the type who likes to look at charts and graphs. Maybe I'd lose weight more quickly if I went there, but I know that obsession lies that way, and with obsession comes a lot of mentally unhealthy things that I know will just cause me more problems in the end. Besides, what am I going to care about more when I look back at my blog in a year, or even a week: what was going through my head, or how many baby carrots I ate?
I did some cleaning - my house looks pretty good right now -- and was feeling a little more optimistic about the guy coming over. Then, about thirty seconds before he got here, I saw a piece of paper under my DVD player and wondered what it was. I pulled it out and found it was a receipt from when I went to the grocery story to get supplies to cook dinner for my ex the first time he came over. Really just fucking excellent timing, that. Now that the guy has left after an awkward hour or so, I feel sad and empty and like hopping in my car and going to McDonald's. I know french fries won't fix anything. Neither will chicken nuggets. But I want some form of comfort and don't feel like I have anything else available. I don't know why that kind of food feels comforting, especially since after eating it I feel like there's a rock in my stomach and I'm pretty disgusted with myself.
Okay, that was a strange experience. I went into my bathroom to get a Qtip. The medicine cabinet is mirrored and has three doors, and one of them was not quite shut. It created an awesome optical illusion (identifiable tattoo blurred out!):
I've tried before to use those online predictions of what I'd look like if I lost a lot of weight, but they've never inspired me because that's just something on the computer. But I stood there for several minutes looking at this, wondering if it was something I could accomplish. Who knows. But it was an interesting experience. And stopped me from pursuing junk food too. Instead I cooked a couple of hamburger patties with some jack cheese, popped them on a sandwich thin (those things are awesome), and had some carrots and cherry tomatoes too. Go me.
I got bored a couple of hours later. Since my floor was freshly vacuumed, and my house was reasonably cool, I whipped out an old yoga CD thinking I'd do some relaxing stretching. Yeah, that lasted about five minutes. I couldn't focus, for one thing, and for another I forgot how much the woman talks. And how much I hate downward-facing dog.
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