I woke up today from a dream about my ex. It was a good dream, which just makes it all the more painful to wake up and remember he's cut me out of his life without even saying goodbye. Then I got an email - not even a call but a fucking email - telling me I didn't get one of the job I interviewed for. Then I waited around for an electrician all day, finally called my landlady and she admitted she never called him. Fuck.
I'm really down today, and everything feels absolutely pointless. I haven't eaten anything because I haven't been hungry, or when I was for a few minutes I had zero desire to cook anything. I'm hungry now and all I want to do is jump in my car and drive two blocks to Qdoba for a bigass carbfest of a burrito. And chips and queso. What would it solve? Nothing. It would make me feel better temporarily to sit in the a/c, drink a bunch of cold Diet Coke, and read while eating something delicious. I know it would feel great at the time. But then I would have spent money I can't afford to, and undone the few days of good eating I have lined up. I guess I just sort of feel broken today, and like there's no point in fixing it.
I know, I'm a whiner. I hate feeling like this. I'm trying to snap out of it.
(Shortly after writing this I started doing some cleaning, never my favorite thing. But I'm noticing a difference in how I feel already. Bending over still isn't terribly pleasant because I do have a bunch of blubber in the way. But it doesn't hurt internally like it did a week ago, either. I'm sure a lot of that has to do with simple fluid retention, but it's still slightly encouraging.)
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