Monday, September 3, 2012

Feels pointless.

I haven't been awake long today, but so far I just feel like it's completely pointless to try to eat well. I don't feel any different, any better. With the overwhelming abundance of crappy, quick, easy, sometimes delicious food, the idea of me avoiding it for long enough to make any true difference seems utterly laughable. And even if I do, then it just means more time avoiding it to maintain that difference. It all seems like a epic waste of time today. I'm assuming it's another by-product of PMS. But it makes me want to binge. That urge got worse when I went to try to donate plasma and was told I was put on the nationwide permanent deferral list -- because two of their employees couldn't find the same fucking vein I donated out of for literally months on end at the center in my old town. I was wicked pissed. I needed that money.

By the time I went to Walmart to get a money order for my rent, I was all set to get a box of macaroni and cheese and some cheap ice cream. I even wandered the food aisles a bit and then just left because I it wouldn't fix what was wrong. I feel bad about myself, but making myself feel physically sick wouldn't change that. I'm pissed at life, but ice cream won't make it better.

Of course, really the deciding factor was really that I'd just sucked down so much water my stomach felt uncomfortably full. If not for that I might be munching down on some potato chips right now -- I'm craving them, which is really weird since I almost never eat chips.

Ugh. Scratch all that. My second trip out did not go well.


adorkbl said...

I am sorry you are having a bad day. Try turning the urge to binge into a positive activity. Go for a walk. Clear your head. You will feel better after. Hang in there.

FattyMcFatPants said...

Thanks. My head doesn't clear these days. Sigh.