Five days and counting.

That's how long I've had a headache. Actually, it's probably multiple headaches that have just bled into each other, because the pain has moved around a lot. Really getting on my nerves though. I've been extra careful to be hydrating, take my allergy meds, and sleep enough, and I did a sinus rinse last night that really just seemed to make it worse. I've got a pretty high tolerance for headache pain, thanks to spending the first 26 years of my life with completely fucked up sinuses. But this is just getting ridiculous. Between the sore ankles, the lack of sleep, and the headaches, I have yet to try that C25k workout again, but I haven't forgotten about it.

Been thinking about starting a routine of good old-fashioned abdominal crunches, because I'm realizing that I've lost what core strength I had from years of bending and lifting while waitressing. Which I may be going back to anyway, sigh.

I was able to wear one of my favorite t-shirts again today. It's nothing special, just a nice chocolate brown v-neck in a comfy material, but I like it. It was tight before, not constricting my blood flow or anything but would ride up over my stomach etc. Was nice to wear it and be comfortable today.

Trainwreck of a day!

Okay, maybe trainwreck is overstating it. The day at the rodeo was actually pretty fun despite my exhaustion -- I hadn't see some good ole steer wrestling or anything in years and I really enjoyed it. The day was marred by my father being admitted to the hospital for a burn from three days earlier that he didn't take care of, but that's a whole separate clusterfuck.

Foodwise, not a good day, although I didn't go completely nuts. But today I actually feel okay. No crazy cravings, not bloated as fuck, maybe a little more tired and snotty than normal but hard to tell if that's from carbs/wheat or from exhaustion/sunburn.

Had a surprising moment while leaving the rodeo. When I did the first C25k workout the other night, the minute long runs seemed absolutely interminable and I hated every second. I didn't realize quite how much of that was the awful shoes I was wearing though! My grandmother has knee problems, so she hitched a ride on on a golf cart to get to the car. There were other people who needed a ride so I said I'd walk. In fact I jogged behind the cart for about two minutes, and wasn't even out of breath which astounded me considering my walk/run the other night! I mean, I wasn't keeping up with the cart or anything. And I'm aware that two minutes isn't much. But still, I was surprised that after no sleep, in the heat, after my shitty experience the other night, that I wasn't gasping and red in the face.

I need to try to get enough rest today to do the first C25k workout again; being awake 27/28 hours straight and then not really sleeping that night either has really wiped me out, hopefully I can make it up today.

My damn ankles hurt.

I think I'll be taking those shoes I wore yesterday to Goodwill. They're normally really expensive running shoes, but I got them for $10 at Ross. I got them because they were silver, white, and purple and I thought they were really cute, but ouch. Of course, some of it may also be due to the fact that I haven't done any activity in a long time, and the last time I did I didn't weigh as much. My eating didn't change but damn did that desk job have an effect. Which I knew it would, but then I got swamped under my the things going on in my life and I just couldn't care.

Anyway, hat's the only side effect of last night's exercise I'm feeling. A friend asked me how I felt today, like I was supposed to be all energized or something I guess. And I know for some people exercise releases endorphins that make them feel good, less depressed, etc. They just make me cranky that I'm sweaty and hot and feel like my entire head is pulsing. Oh well!

At least so far today I'm not having any cravings. Cravings require thought or desires, I think, and I feel totally empty of either today. I've got four hours before my date gets here and I have a bunch of stuff to do around the house -- probably only an hour or so, but it seems absolutely insurmountable, possibly because I just don't feel excited about him coming over. I don't feel much of anything about it. It's not really even a date; he'd just be a source of sex. And it is so not like me to be hesitating about that. Joys of depression/heartbrokenness I guess. The thing that pisses me off is that for a while, I was doing pretty okay. Then one of my best friends got engaged and it's like a dam of jealous misery cracked open in my head. Gotta run out eventually though.

Had leftover LC mac and cheese with chicken for breakfast; a glass of milk and a peach for a snack. Realized I don't say nearly as much about food as a lot of bloggers do, but that's really on purpose. Part of me wants to write everything down and weigh and measure and track it just for curiosity's sake, and because I'm the type who likes to look at charts and graphs. Maybe I'd lose weight more quickly if I went there, but I know that obsession lies that way, and with obsession comes a lot of mentally unhealthy things that I know will just cause me more problems in the end. Besides, what am I going to care about more when I look back at my blog in a year, or even a week: what was going through my head, or how many baby carrots I ate?

I did some cleaning - my house looks pretty good right now -- and was feeling a little more optimistic about the guy coming over. Then, about thirty seconds before he got here, I saw a piece of paper under my DVD player and wondered what it was. I pulled it out and found it was a receipt from when I went to the grocery story to get supplies to cook dinner for my ex the first time he came over. Really just fucking excellent timing, that. Now that the guy has left after an awkward hour or so, I feel sad and empty and like hopping in my car and going to McDonald's. I know french fries won't fix anything. Neither will chicken nuggets. But I want some form of comfort and don't feel like I have anything else available. I don't know why that kind of food feels comforting, especially since after eating it I feel like there's a rock in my stomach and I'm pretty disgusted with myself.

Okay, that was a strange experience. I went into my bathroom to get a Qtip. The medicine cabinet is mirrored and has three doors, and one of them was not quite shut. It created an awesome optical illusion (identifiable tattoo blurred out!):

I've tried before to use those online predictions of what I'd look like if I lost a lot of weight, but they've never inspired me because that's just something on the computer. But I stood there for several minutes looking at this, wondering if it was something I could accomplish. Who knows. But it was an interesting experience. And stopped me from pursuing junk food too. Instead I cooked a couple of hamburger patties with some jack cheese, popped them on a sandwich thin (those things are awesome), and had some carrots and cherry tomatoes too. Go me.

I got bored a couple of hours later. Since my floor was freshly vacuumed, and my house was reasonably cool, I whipped out an old yoga CD thinking I'd do some relaxing stretching. Yeah, that lasted about five minutes. I couldn't focus, for one thing, and for another I forgot how much the woman talks. And how much I hate downward-facing dog. 

I ran. A little bit.

Well, I did the first workout of the Couch to 5k. Sort of. I only ran the first four intervals, I walked the rest. It wasn't so much because I was too tired, although my muscles did feel a little jell-o like. Mostly it was the cramp in my right side. And the fact that I forgot the shoes I chose just plain hurt. My right Achilles' tendon and my left hamstring tightened up horribly, but felt better as soon as I took the shoes off. Never wearing those again!

I got the C25k app for my iPhone, so it was nice to have the little recorded voice telling me when the intervals changed. Made it very easy. Assuming I can motivate myself to put on a (different) pair of sneakers in a couple of days to do it again, I'll re-do the first workout. I'll keep doing it until I can do all the running intervals, and then I'll move on. Since I don't actually care about running a 5k (I don't really even know how far that is), time and distance don't really matter.

Of course, I know there's a chance that in a couple of nights I'll look at my shoes and think .... fuck that noise. Because I hate the feeling of sweat leaking out from under my hair. I hate my face feeling hot. And that rush of blood pounding in my ears, in my head? I fucking hate that. There's no sensation regarding exercise that I enjoy. Oh, there was a certain amount of satisfaction when I could lift a higher weight, not that it did me any practical good. And swimming at least didn't have the sweat and body temperature issues. But other than that I really just hate everything about exercise.

And so begins another day.

Not that I'll be posting this for like twelve hours! I slept even later than usual today; it was a little cooler, so I wasn't waking up every ten minutes soaked in sweat, which was nice for a change. So far I've had some macaroni and cheese with chicken (made with Dreamfields LC pasta) and a whole bunch of water. Watched some Futurama and some South Park, read a little bit. Trying not to think too much about the date I have tomorrow. He's a nice guy, but I'm not really in to it. I was feeling optimistic when I invited him over a couple of days ago, but now I find myself wishing I could think of a good enough excuse to cancel yet again.

I keep wanting to text my ex, but I don't know what to say that won't sound stupid or whiny, so I've been holding off for a week now. I just hate not knowing what's going on with him. He just sort of faded away, and I don't know why. Maybe it doesn't even matter why. In fact, that probably would be the way to look at it: it doesn't matter why he stopped talking to me, only that he did and so he clearly doesn't care. I'm trying to remember that.

I don't feel terribly hungry, but I do feel like I should have some fruit or something for the nutrient value. Because my mac & cheese may have been yummy and low-carb, but it didn't have much actual value beyond the protein in the chicken and the calcium in the cheese. Some carrots would be good for me!

The friend who likes to lecture me about how I met my ex ran a 13k race this last weekend, and is very proud of herself. I'm not saying she shouldn't be, but ... I just don't get it. So she ran a long way. Yay? I can understand running to lose weight or for general fitness. I can understand running so you can run from attackers (I read too much). But just so you can say "I ran (this far)"? I don't get it. Again, not a condemnation of it or anything, I just don't understand the impetus. Similarly, I don't understand why my other friend's husband rides his bike 40 miles several times a week (in addition to a bunch of other workouts that are apparently so intense he has to be massaged to move the lactic acid out of his muscles every night so he can do it again the next day  [which from what I've read is bullshit]).

Of course, they wouldn't understand why I read endlessly either. Different strokes, different folks, etc. However, her talking about it remind me of the infamous Couch to 5k program, which I've looked at and pondered before. Not because I care about the 5k, but just to try something new in a semi-guided fashion. Especially now that I can't afford a gym, so I can't swim or lift weights, which are the only two exercises I don't hate. And I've never seriously tried running, or even walking, as a scheduled form of exercise. Honestly, it hurt too fucking much. I spent so long waitressing or trotting around retail stores in uncomfortable shoes that my body hurt constantly from the ears down. Seven months of not doing that crap has seriously unkinked me, and I'm loving it. After a few months of my desk job, I was astounded to find that when I rolled out of bed in the morning I could walk. Right away. Without feeling like my feet were solid and incapable of flexing. It was pretty damn amazing.

Anyway, I think walking/running is something I might be able to do now. I do still have the problem of a bra that can sufficiently support the pounds of breasts bouncing on the front of my chest, but I think for the limits of C25k I have one that will work. Also, when I told my mom today I was nervous about walking around at night she sort of laughed at me. This used to be her house, and she rolled her eyes and told me it's safe. I'm still a little nervous, but ... I think I might go ahead and do it. I'd rather go to a nice air conditioned gym, but I'd feel better about spending money on that (once I have a job) if I already have an exercise habit. I might find I hate it more than I've ever hated anything, but I guess we'll see.

Well. That was interesting. Think I'll make it a separate post though.