I took a long shower, and this is what I realized: I feel like shit about myself. Nothing to do with weight or eating; I just feel like I'm ... not good. I don't feel like I have any particular talents, like I'm particularly smart or funny or anything. I hate it when I feel like this. It may just be PMS, but right now I just feel like I'm completely useless. I feel like a total loser.
Speaking of PMS, I'm interested to see what my period is like this month. Last month's was the lightest I've ever had in the 19 years I've been dealing with that pointless (for me) monthly cycle. (It really pisses me off every month when I'm put through pain and discomfort because of a capability of my body I will never willingly utilize.) I've been on the same birth control since November, and the only thing that has changed is how I was eating. I know insulin can affect a lot of the hormonal processes in the body, so I'm wondering if that might be a nice side benefit to ex-naying the carbs. We'll see.
I did okay today, although I did use all my carbs at one meal. I had a jar of alfredo sauce and some chicken I'd sauteed in olive oil, and I was craving pasta in a wicked way. I could have gone to the store for a box of Dreamfields LC pasta, but I should eat what I have since monetary funds are severely limited. After battling the craving all day, I decided that I could have real pasta ... if I made it myself. Well, that stalled it for another hour or so, but I really wanted some damn noodles. So I made up a very small batch of pasta dough! I wasn't sure it was going to work; the recipe I'd looked at said to knead until the dough was smooth, but I wasn't sure I'd be able to tell when it was smooth enough.
As I was kneading the dough, and examining the texture, I realized I knew exactly what it should look like. I'd never made pasta on my own, but I'd made it with my mother when I was very little. It always amazes me the things that have stuck in my head from those experiences. I made royal icing to decorate some cupcakes once, and the smell brought back ... not exactly memories, they were a little too vague for that, but a definite feeling and familiarity. One time at the first restaurant I worked at, somebody asked what the difference was because lemon meringue and lemon cream pie. I was kind of shocked when I heard an explanation of what meringue is come out of my mouth, because I didn't know I knew. The pasta dough was another example of that. I should have sliced it a little more thinly before cooking, but other than that it was quite tasty and hit the spot. I should have spread my carbs out more through the day, but I was still within limits.
Either tomorrow or Sunday I'm going to go prostitute my blood, as a friend of mine calls it. One of the few good things about being fat is that I get paid a much higher rate for my blood plasma than skinny folks! We'll see how it goes. I never had a problem at the donation center in my old town, but the one here I stopped going to because they could never find my damn vein! In retrospect, I wonder if it's because I'd gained about twenty or thirty pounds since I was going to the other center. I've lost about half of that, so we'll see if that helps. I really hate doing that; it's not painful, but it's boring. My free arm gets tired from holding up my Nook! But especially the first five times as a "new" donor, it's worth it. Assuming they can jam the bigass needle in my arm in the right spot.
Showing posts with label food. Show all posts
Showing posts with label food. Show all posts
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Forcing myself to eat and drink.
I don't feel hungry at all today. It's to do with my period, but I know that if I don't eat something, and something with protein, then later on my stupid body is going to start screeching for food and I'll be more likely to make idiotic choices. I also don't feel thirsty, and in fact feel bloated and gross and like every sip I take just sloshes around in my stomach when I move, but I'm making myself slowly steadily hydrate.
Really all I want to do is go back to sleep, because the a/c makes it nice and chilly in here, my cousin is just studying anyway, and I'm bored and sad and always tired anyway. So cuddling into some blankets and drifting off sounds just about the right speed. Of course, I'd just end up thinking about things I shouldn't and getting upset and never actually falling asleep. It's been weeks and weeks since I've been able to just crawl in to bed and sleep. The only way I can fall asleep is if I'm absolutely exhausted, to the point that my eyes are burning, and I either watch tv or read until my brain just shuts off. Otherwise, no matter how tired I am, I start thinking, and moping, and crying. It's ridiculous and it's pissing me off. But my brain saying "this is stupid, why are you upset about someone who doesn't care about you" doesn't seem to have any effect on my stupid emotions. If anything this crap seems to be getting worse instead of better. Time is supposed to make the pain less, dammit, not make me more lovesick and stupid! Grrr. I suppose it's because he didn't actually tell me it was over ... he just stopped answering me. That's just an extra mindfuck right there.
I got Blue Diamond Almond NutThins today, ranch and pepperjack flavors. I figured having something crunchy to munch on would be helpful with the pretzels and chips taunting me. So I'll slice up some cheese and have cheese and crackers, and it shall be loverly. I also got some more strawberries, some lunch meat, and some straws. My water intake has been lower than usual the last couple of days because I don't like drinking without a straw. I don't really know why. It doesn't hurt my teeth or anything. Maybe it's just because I like to chew on my straws all the time. They're always all mangled. Everybody at the restaurant always knew which drink was mine!
I don't physically feel like eating, but I keep finding myself wandering in to the kitchen for something to munch on. It's stupid. I wonder if it's because I didn't have much protein, or much to eat at all, yesterday, or if it's just boredom.
I was writing a couple of days ago about my aunt and cousins' eating habits, and my aunt's fondness for diet trends. Well, my cousin, who is 17, informed me that she's trying not to eat gluten because every time she eats wheat she feels ill. Which is something she's never mentioned before. And I've noticed a lot of things labeled "gluten free!" in their house, from bread to cereal. Now, I don't think that wheat is necessarily a good thing for humans to be eating. But I do find the timing of this suspicious ... considering my aunt's stack of books by her bed is something called "Gutbusters," some diet recipe book, and a book called "Wheat Belly." I suspect she's on a quest to lose weight again, and has been blathering to her daughter about the evils of wheat. She does that sort of thing a lot.
"Wheat Belly" is only a couple of hundred pages once you take out the recipes and sample meal plans, so I figured I'd give it a read tonight. The author seems to contradict himself a lot. At one point he says excess weight causes diabetes. A few pages later, he instead says high carb intake/chronically high insulin levels are to blame. He says animals products are very acidic and can lead to bone loss, but then of course recommends them because of cutting out wheat.
He makes some valid points about how what we call wheat today is genetically different from the first grains cultivated. He says that it was around the 1950s that the dwarf strain of wheat we consume now was created and became widespread, and says that's when the problems he associates with wheat began, and really took off in the eighties when the government started in on the "low fat, high complex carb" crap. But that theory assumes that the change in wheat was the only change to the food supply, whereas the introduction of high fructose corn syrup, highly processed foods, and a lot of other things have come about in the last 60 years too. There's a lot of information about celiac disease and its correlation with other conditions, which was interesting.
Overall, though, it seems like in terms of health benefits the author was really saying "carbohydrates are bad. Wheat is just extra bad!" because he talks a lot about insulin and its effects on the body. But it was an interesting enough read.
Now it's the wee hours of the morning, and as usual I'm tired and seriously doubt I'll be able to sleep even though I'm tired. I fell asleep for a few minutes while I was reading earlier, but was in a weird position on the couch so didn't stay that way unfortunately. I might at least crawl in to bed with my Nook and see if I can read myself to sleep.
Really all I want to do is go back to sleep, because the a/c makes it nice and chilly in here, my cousin is just studying anyway, and I'm bored and sad and always tired anyway. So cuddling into some blankets and drifting off sounds just about the right speed. Of course, I'd just end up thinking about things I shouldn't and getting upset and never actually falling asleep. It's been weeks and weeks since I've been able to just crawl in to bed and sleep. The only way I can fall asleep is if I'm absolutely exhausted, to the point that my eyes are burning, and I either watch tv or read until my brain just shuts off. Otherwise, no matter how tired I am, I start thinking, and moping, and crying. It's ridiculous and it's pissing me off. But my brain saying "this is stupid, why are you upset about someone who doesn't care about you" doesn't seem to have any effect on my stupid emotions. If anything this crap seems to be getting worse instead of better. Time is supposed to make the pain less, dammit, not make me more lovesick and stupid! Grrr. I suppose it's because he didn't actually tell me it was over ... he just stopped answering me. That's just an extra mindfuck right there.
I got Blue Diamond Almond NutThins today, ranch and pepperjack flavors. I figured having something crunchy to munch on would be helpful with the pretzels and chips taunting me. So I'll slice up some cheese and have cheese and crackers, and it shall be loverly. I also got some more strawberries, some lunch meat, and some straws. My water intake has been lower than usual the last couple of days because I don't like drinking without a straw. I don't really know why. It doesn't hurt my teeth or anything. Maybe it's just because I like to chew on my straws all the time. They're always all mangled. Everybody at the restaurant always knew which drink was mine!
I don't physically feel like eating, but I keep finding myself wandering in to the kitchen for something to munch on. It's stupid. I wonder if it's because I didn't have much protein, or much to eat at all, yesterday, or if it's just boredom.
I was writing a couple of days ago about my aunt and cousins' eating habits, and my aunt's fondness for diet trends. Well, my cousin, who is 17, informed me that she's trying not to eat gluten because every time she eats wheat she feels ill. Which is something she's never mentioned before. And I've noticed a lot of things labeled "gluten free!" in their house, from bread to cereal. Now, I don't think that wheat is necessarily a good thing for humans to be eating. But I do find the timing of this suspicious ... considering my aunt's stack of books by her bed is something called "Gutbusters," some diet recipe book, and a book called "Wheat Belly." I suspect she's on a quest to lose weight again, and has been blathering to her daughter about the evils of wheat. She does that sort of thing a lot.
"Wheat Belly" is only a couple of hundred pages once you take out the recipes and sample meal plans, so I figured I'd give it a read tonight. The author seems to contradict himself a lot. At one point he says excess weight causes diabetes. A few pages later, he instead says high carb intake/chronically high insulin levels are to blame. He says animals products are very acidic and can lead to bone loss, but then of course recommends them because of cutting out wheat.
He makes some valid points about how what we call wheat today is genetically different from the first grains cultivated. He says that it was around the 1950s that the dwarf strain of wheat we consume now was created and became widespread, and says that's when the problems he associates with wheat began, and really took off in the eighties when the government started in on the "low fat, high complex carb" crap. But that theory assumes that the change in wheat was the only change to the food supply, whereas the introduction of high fructose corn syrup, highly processed foods, and a lot of other things have come about in the last 60 years too. There's a lot of information about celiac disease and its correlation with other conditions, which was interesting.
Overall, though, it seems like in terms of health benefits the author was really saying "carbohydrates are bad. Wheat is just extra bad!" because he talks a lot about insulin and its effects on the body. But it was an interesting enough read.
Now it's the wee hours of the morning, and as usual I'm tired and seriously doubt I'll be able to sleep even though I'm tired. I fell asleep for a few minutes while I was reading earlier, but was in a weird position on the couch so didn't stay that way unfortunately. I might at least crawl in to bed with my Nook and see if I can read myself to sleep.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Hey look, the headache came back.
I woke up and for once was hungry right away, so I made myself a nice sandwich on thin bread. Since then I've just been craving french fries with lots of ketchup, Velveeta shells and cheese, and cookies with chocolate and nuts in them. I suspect it has to do with the time of the month, so I'm just keeping that in mind. I've also been meaning to go to the grocery store all day, but was concerned that being surrounded by all the things I can't have might lead to some self-justification. It's surprisingly easy to do. Of course, then I started getting hungry again, which just makes it more likely. I drank some milk, and I'm hoping that will take enough of an edge off my hunger that I won't do something stupid. (What do you know, it did. I didn't get anything I shouldn't have.)
Really, the macaroni and cheese craving isn't a big deal. I can get some low carb noodles and chop up some chicken, pour on some sauce, and voila. But there's no substitute for french fries or the cookies, really. I just have to ... not. It shouldn't be so hard on a day when I've noticed a definite change. I have this really cute pair of polka-dot brief-style panties, and the last time I wore them I had to wear them under my stomach. They would pull over my flab, but not far enough to stay there. Today, they fit like they were supposed to, and didn't rub anywhere uncomfortable or anything.
A lot of times something like that will cause me to bust out all my old clothes and start sorting them in to piles of now, sooner, later, etc. But every time I do that, it's like a jinx. I promptly start swimming in a sea of ice cream and not giving a damn. So the most I'll do now is occasionally try on my size 22 jeans and see when I can get them pulled up over my stomach. Hasn't happened yet. But bound to sometime!
Really, the macaroni and cheese craving isn't a big deal. I can get some low carb noodles and chop up some chicken, pour on some sauce, and voila. But there's no substitute for french fries or the cookies, really. I just have to ... not. It shouldn't be so hard on a day when I've noticed a definite change. I have this really cute pair of polka-dot brief-style panties, and the last time I wore them I had to wear them under my stomach. They would pull over my flab, but not far enough to stay there. Today, they fit like they were supposed to, and didn't rub anywhere uncomfortable or anything.
A lot of times something like that will cause me to bust out all my old clothes and start sorting them in to piles of now, sooner, later, etc. But every time I do that, it's like a jinx. I promptly start swimming in a sea of ice cream and not giving a damn. So the most I'll do now is occasionally try on my size 22 jeans and see when I can get them pulled up over my stomach. Hasn't happened yet. But bound to sometime!
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Grandmas and their recipes.
Went to see my dad tonight, and didn't think food would be an issue. Dinner with him is usually pretty simple: some sort of meat, some sort of vegetable, some sort of potato. When my aunt is there, it tends to be a little lighter, maybe just salad and meat. What I didn't count on was my grandmother being in charge of dinner ... and making homemade chicken noodle soup.
Dammit. Now, I know I could have refused to eat it and dug some cheese or something out of the fridge. But I didn't, for two reasons: one, I didn't want my grandma to cry, and she takes it personally when her grandkids don't eat her cooking. And two, I would have had to come up with an explanation why, and I am so not comfortable with my family knowing I'm dieting. The focus of every conversation becomes dieting, and dieting "tips", and success stories, and supportive-but-dickish comments about how they're so glad I decided to "do something about my body." My grandmother and aunt will go so far as to call me up to check on my progress. It's just a disconcerting amount of attention being focused on what I eat, and it makes me completely uncomfortable.
So, I ate the chicken noodle soup. With the big fat starchy noodles. I suspect I'll feel like shit when I wake up, between the carbs and the sodium, but tomorrow is another day.
Dammit. Now, I know I could have refused to eat it and dug some cheese or something out of the fridge. But I didn't, for two reasons: one, I didn't want my grandma to cry, and she takes it personally when her grandkids don't eat her cooking. And two, I would have had to come up with an explanation why, and I am so not comfortable with my family knowing I'm dieting. The focus of every conversation becomes dieting, and dieting "tips", and success stories, and supportive-but-dickish comments about how they're so glad I decided to "do something about my body." My grandmother and aunt will go so far as to call me up to check on my progress. It's just a disconcerting amount of attention being focused on what I eat, and it makes me completely uncomfortable.
So, I ate the chicken noodle soup. With the big fat starchy noodles. I suspect I'll feel like shit when I wake up, between the carbs and the sodium, but tomorrow is another day.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
And so begins another day.
Not that I'll be posting this for like twelve hours! I slept even later than usual today; it was a little cooler, so I wasn't waking up every ten minutes soaked in sweat, which was nice for a change. So far I've had some macaroni and cheese with chicken (made with Dreamfields LC pasta) and a whole bunch of water. Watched some Futurama and some South Park, read a little bit. Trying not to think too much about the date I have tomorrow. He's a nice guy, but I'm not really in to it. I was feeling optimistic when I invited him over a couple of days ago, but now I find myself wishing I could think of a good enough excuse to cancel yet again.
I keep wanting to text my ex, but I don't know what to say that won't sound stupid or whiny, so I've been holding off for a week now. I just hate not knowing what's going on with him. He just sort of faded away, and I don't know why. Maybe it doesn't even matter why. In fact, that probably would be the way to look at it: it doesn't matter why he stopped talking to me, only that he did and so he clearly doesn't care. I'm trying to remember that.
I don't feel terribly hungry, but I do feel like I should have some fruit or something for the nutrient value. Because my mac & cheese may have been yummy and low-carb, but it didn't have much actual value beyond the protein in the chicken and the calcium in the cheese. Some carrots would be good for me!
The friend who likes to lecture me about how I met my ex ran a 13k race this last weekend, and is very proud of herself. I'm not saying she shouldn't be, but ... I just don't get it. So she ran a long way. Yay? I can understand running to lose weight or for general fitness. I can understand running so you can run from attackers (I read too much). But just so you can say "I ran (this far)"? I don't get it. Again, not a condemnation of it or anything, I just don't understand the impetus. Similarly, I don't understand why my other friend's husband rides his bike 40 miles several times a week (in addition to a bunch of other workouts that are apparently so intense he has to be massaged to move the lactic acid out of his muscles every night so he can do it again the next day [which from what I've read is bullshit]).
Of course, they wouldn't understand why I read endlessly either. Different strokes, different folks, etc. However, her talking about it remind me of the infamous Couch to 5k program, which I've looked at and pondered before. Not because I care about the 5k, but just to try something new in a semi-guided fashion. Especially now that I can't afford a gym, so I can't swim or lift weights, which are the only two exercises I don't hate. And I've never seriously tried running, or even walking, as a scheduled form of exercise. Honestly, it hurt too fucking much. I spent so long waitressing or trotting around retail stores in uncomfortable shoes that my body hurt constantly from the ears down. Seven months of not doing that crap has seriously unkinked me, and I'm loving it. After a few months of my desk job, I was astounded to find that when I rolled out of bed in the morning I could walk. Right away. Without feeling like my feet were solid and incapable of flexing. It was pretty damn amazing.
Anyway, I think walking/running is something I might be able to do now. I do still have the problem of a bra that can sufficiently support the pounds of breasts bouncing on the front of my chest, but I think for the limits of C25k I have one that will work. Also, when I told my mom today I was nervous about walking around at night she sort of laughed at me. This used to be her house, and she rolled her eyes and told me it's safe. I'm still a little nervous, but ... I think I might go ahead and do it. I'd rather go to a nice air conditioned gym, but I'd feel better about spending money on that (once I have a job) if I already have an exercise habit. I might find I hate it more than I've ever hated anything, but I guess we'll see.
Well. That was interesting. Think I'll make it a separate post though.
I keep wanting to text my ex, but I don't know what to say that won't sound stupid or whiny, so I've been holding off for a week now. I just hate not knowing what's going on with him. He just sort of faded away, and I don't know why. Maybe it doesn't even matter why. In fact, that probably would be the way to look at it: it doesn't matter why he stopped talking to me, only that he did and so he clearly doesn't care. I'm trying to remember that.
I don't feel terribly hungry, but I do feel like I should have some fruit or something for the nutrient value. Because my mac & cheese may have been yummy and low-carb, but it didn't have much actual value beyond the protein in the chicken and the calcium in the cheese. Some carrots would be good for me!
The friend who likes to lecture me about how I met my ex ran a 13k race this last weekend, and is very proud of herself. I'm not saying she shouldn't be, but ... I just don't get it. So she ran a long way. Yay? I can understand running to lose weight or for general fitness. I can understand running so you can run from attackers (I read too much). But just so you can say "I ran (this far)"? I don't get it. Again, not a condemnation of it or anything, I just don't understand the impetus. Similarly, I don't understand why my other friend's husband rides his bike 40 miles several times a week (in addition to a bunch of other workouts that are apparently so intense he has to be massaged to move the lactic acid out of his muscles every night so he can do it again the next day [which from what I've read is bullshit]).
Of course, they wouldn't understand why I read endlessly either. Different strokes, different folks, etc. However, her talking about it remind me of the infamous Couch to 5k program, which I've looked at and pondered before. Not because I care about the 5k, but just to try something new in a semi-guided fashion. Especially now that I can't afford a gym, so I can't swim or lift weights, which are the only two exercises I don't hate. And I've never seriously tried running, or even walking, as a scheduled form of exercise. Honestly, it hurt too fucking much. I spent so long waitressing or trotting around retail stores in uncomfortable shoes that my body hurt constantly from the ears down. Seven months of not doing that crap has seriously unkinked me, and I'm loving it. After a few months of my desk job, I was astounded to find that when I rolled out of bed in the morning I could walk. Right away. Without feeling like my feet were solid and incapable of flexing. It was pretty damn amazing.
Anyway, I think walking/running is something I might be able to do now. I do still have the problem of a bra that can sufficiently support the pounds of breasts bouncing on the front of my chest, but I think for the limits of C25k I have one that will work. Also, when I told my mom today I was nervous about walking around at night she sort of laughed at me. This used to be her house, and she rolled her eyes and told me it's safe. I'm still a little nervous, but ... I think I might go ahead and do it. I'd rather go to a nice air conditioned gym, but I'd feel better about spending money on that (once I have a job) if I already have an exercise habit. I might find I hate it more than I've ever hated anything, but I guess we'll see.
Well. That was interesting. Think I'll make it a separate post though.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Today I woke up feeling nothing ...
... except a craving for Qdoba. All I want to eat is a bowl of rice and three-cheese queso and chicken and green salsa and sour cream. This is product of the fact that I freaking love Qdoba, and also because I last ate about 24 hours ago. I've been hungry since I got up, but nothing sounds good. Except, you know, the burrito.
Well, for a while I wanted pizza. Then pancakes. Then croissants. If I just ate something I'd feel better, but I don't feel like I could choke down anything I have in the house. So I drank a lot of water, and I read, and eventually -- once Qdoba was closed! Avoidance is key for me! -- I went to the grocery store. Forty dollars of fruits, vegetables, dairy, and such later, I came home and made myself a little pizza on a low-carb tortilla. Honestly, I didn't expect to enjoy it very much. I expected it to be a pale substitute that made me crave the real thing more. But it was surprisingly satisfying. I feel alright now. Will have a peach later on, I think. And my next meal I think will be .... hell if I know. If I even get hungry again I'll figure it out.
I've basically just had this window open all day to type whatever popped in to my head, which has been a lot less than the last couple of days. That's not necessarily a good thing, though, because it's basically because I've been pretty depressed all day. Oh, just low-level depressed, not sobbing or anything. Just sort of feeling empty and nothing. It's actually sort of a break from my misery the last few weeks, but that doesn't mean it's healthy.
If I did more social stuff, I'd probably feel a little better. But it's hard to set anything up, because I feel like it's hard to even carry on a normal conversation. The last time I went out with a friend I hadn't seen in a while, I started telling her what had happened with the ex and I started crying in the middle of the restaurant. Embarrassing. Sometimes people will be in the middle of telling me something and I'll be struggling to understand, not because I wasn't paying attention, but because it felt like my brain had forgotten how to decode their words, usually because some thought about my ex or something had sort of halted my neurons.
I feel like doing what I did the last time I felt like this, the last time my life felt so empty and up in the air. I used to put my little schnauzer on her leash and walk for hours. We'd just wander our neighborhood in the dark, every night, until I finally dragged us home. It felt right to wander aimlessly. Sometimes I sang to myself. Sometimes I talked to my dog. Sometimes I cried. Other times I was just absolutely silent. I don't know if it really helped; it didn't keep my weight in check nor did it tire me out. But I find myself wanting to do it again. Unfortunately, that was about seven years ago, and it's not something I've felt comfortable doing since. The town I moved to after that had a state prison in it, and I didn't feel safe wandering the streets at night when felons were regularly released there. Then I moved back to my old town -- but the opposite end of it, and to get to a well-lit, safe area I had to walk about a mile up a road with no sidewalk and no streetlights. Where I live now, there's enough gang activity to make me uncomfortable roaming at night, even though none of it is really in my area. I wish I could move back to my little wood-floored house in the quiet, safe neighborhood where I used to wander.
Really, I hate the town I live in now. I like my house. It's quirky and has lots of room for me and my pets. It's fairly cheap, and I'm overall fond of it. But the town I live in smells because there's a cattle processing plant, it's weirdly organized and I can't find things, and then there's the gang activity in certain places. There's a reason housing is cheap, is what I'm getting at. If I had the money, I would move. Maybe I should have, back when I had a job and they were still giving us bigass bonus checks. But finding somewhere that I can have the three cats and two dogs I've accidentally acquired is a pretty big challenge. And at the time I had money, I was happy.
Actually, I had an offer a few days ago to move back to the prison-containing town and live for a year rent-free. There were a lot of reasons to do it; money, change, being there for a family member struggling with some emotional issues. But in the end I just couldn't do it. The space I'd be crammed in to would be much too small, and because of the way the house is arranged I'd have no privacy. Plus I'd have to find a job down there, and then after less than a year bail out on it and haul all my things back to this area (100 mile drive), because in a year all reasons to live there would have gone to college or moved away, leaving me alone and without a place to live, in a town I don't really want to live in. And honestly, I feel like I'm just too goddamn old at this point to be uprooting my life like that every year, at least when it comes to jobs. My work history is bizarre enough already (I tended to work a lot of unconnected jobs consecutively).
I suppose because I'm unemployed and applying for jobs all over the place, it's normal that I've been trying to evaluate what my goals really are. In terms of a job or a career, I've never been one of those people who knew What I Want To Be When I Grow Up. Oh, for a while I thought I'd be a novelist. And I do love baking. But I never even knew what to go to school for, because I was so ... unfocused, flighty, whatever you want to call it. And there are plenty of people like that, but those people usually have something else they want. For example, they want to get married and have kids. Yeah ... I don't. I mean, if I were with someone and they wanted to get married, I'd do it for them. But I'm never spawning. Ever.
So I don't want any particular career, I don't want a husband, I don't want kids. I don't want any of the "normal" things society tells me I should. What do I want? I want to be happy. But what would make me happy? Fuck if I know. :)
But hey look, it's late evening (er, according to my jacked up schedule) and I've eaten properly today!
 |
| Yeah, yeah, somebody's probably gonna wanna bitch at me about it and tell me how unhealthy it is. Go for it. |
I've basically just had this window open all day to type whatever popped in to my head, which has been a lot less than the last couple of days. That's not necessarily a good thing, though, because it's basically because I've been pretty depressed all day. Oh, just low-level depressed, not sobbing or anything. Just sort of feeling empty and nothing. It's actually sort of a break from my misery the last few weeks, but that doesn't mean it's healthy.
If I did more social stuff, I'd probably feel a little better. But it's hard to set anything up, because I feel like it's hard to even carry on a normal conversation. The last time I went out with a friend I hadn't seen in a while, I started telling her what had happened with the ex and I started crying in the middle of the restaurant. Embarrassing. Sometimes people will be in the middle of telling me something and I'll be struggling to understand, not because I wasn't paying attention, but because it felt like my brain had forgotten how to decode their words, usually because some thought about my ex or something had sort of halted my neurons.
I feel like doing what I did the last time I felt like this, the last time my life felt so empty and up in the air. I used to put my little schnauzer on her leash and walk for hours. We'd just wander our neighborhood in the dark, every night, until I finally dragged us home. It felt right to wander aimlessly. Sometimes I sang to myself. Sometimes I talked to my dog. Sometimes I cried. Other times I was just absolutely silent. I don't know if it really helped; it didn't keep my weight in check nor did it tire me out. But I find myself wanting to do it again. Unfortunately, that was about seven years ago, and it's not something I've felt comfortable doing since. The town I moved to after that had a state prison in it, and I didn't feel safe wandering the streets at night when felons were regularly released there. Then I moved back to my old town -- but the opposite end of it, and to get to a well-lit, safe area I had to walk about a mile up a road with no sidewalk and no streetlights. Where I live now, there's enough gang activity to make me uncomfortable roaming at night, even though none of it is really in my area. I wish I could move back to my little wood-floored house in the quiet, safe neighborhood where I used to wander.
Really, I hate the town I live in now. I like my house. It's quirky and has lots of room for me and my pets. It's fairly cheap, and I'm overall fond of it. But the town I live in smells because there's a cattle processing plant, it's weirdly organized and I can't find things, and then there's the gang activity in certain places. There's a reason housing is cheap, is what I'm getting at. If I had the money, I would move. Maybe I should have, back when I had a job and they were still giving us bigass bonus checks. But finding somewhere that I can have the three cats and two dogs I've accidentally acquired is a pretty big challenge. And at the time I had money, I was happy.
Actually, I had an offer a few days ago to move back to the prison-containing town and live for a year rent-free. There were a lot of reasons to do it; money, change, being there for a family member struggling with some emotional issues. But in the end I just couldn't do it. The space I'd be crammed in to would be much too small, and because of the way the house is arranged I'd have no privacy. Plus I'd have to find a job down there, and then after less than a year bail out on it and haul all my things back to this area (100 mile drive), because in a year all reasons to live there would have gone to college or moved away, leaving me alone and without a place to live, in a town I don't really want to live in. And honestly, I feel like I'm just too goddamn old at this point to be uprooting my life like that every year, at least when it comes to jobs. My work history is bizarre enough already (I tended to work a lot of unconnected jobs consecutively).
I suppose because I'm unemployed and applying for jobs all over the place, it's normal that I've been trying to evaluate what my goals really are. In terms of a job or a career, I've never been one of those people who knew What I Want To Be When I Grow Up. Oh, for a while I thought I'd be a novelist. And I do love baking. But I never even knew what to go to school for, because I was so ... unfocused, flighty, whatever you want to call it. And there are plenty of people like that, but those people usually have something else they want. For example, they want to get married and have kids. Yeah ... I don't. I mean, if I were with someone and they wanted to get married, I'd do it for them. But I'm never spawning. Ever.
So I don't want any particular career, I don't want a husband, I don't want kids. I don't want any of the "normal" things society tells me I should. What do I want? I want to be happy. But what would make me happy? Fuck if I know. :)
But hey look, it's late evening (er, according to my jacked up schedule) and I've eaten properly today!
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Resisting.
Well, I restrained myself when I went out, despite my friend desperately trying to push chocolate mousse on me. That was good. When I got home, I decided I was going to do some cleaning and re-organizing. I did some vacuuming, then unhooked my computer. Then I saw I'd missed a spot, so I plugged the vacuum back in to the same outlet .... which lit up blue for a moment and then all the power in my living room, and half of my kitchen, died.
I about lost it. I was right on the brink of a meltdown, because the outlet my fridge was plugged in to was one that went out and I couldn't drag the fridge across the kitchen to a working outlet. It's a million degrees here lately so I thought all my food was going to spoil. I also have no tv and no internet. I was livid. If I'd had any ice cream or anything, I probably would have eaten it, even knowing it wouldn't fucking help. Luckily, I had no such things here.
I calmed down once I remembered that my dad had given me a heavy-duty extension cord, so I have that running across my kitchen now to power my fridge. Not the safest thing, but hopefully it won't be for long. I also have the world's most obnoxious coaxial cable stretched from the one port that carried my internet to an outlet in another room, so I at least have internet access. Luckily it's wireless so my laptop can pick it up.
But I'm almost certain my landlady is going to claim that nobody is available tomorrow, because she won't want to pay Sunday rates to have an electrician come out. I think it's just a blown fuse, should be pretty simple to fix; but I can't find the friggen fuse box to check. The circuit breaker, yes; but the fuse box is well-hidden. Aggravating.
I about lost it. I was right on the brink of a meltdown, because the outlet my fridge was plugged in to was one that went out and I couldn't drag the fridge across the kitchen to a working outlet. It's a million degrees here lately so I thought all my food was going to spoil. I also have no tv and no internet. I was livid. If I'd had any ice cream or anything, I probably would have eaten it, even knowing it wouldn't fucking help. Luckily, I had no such things here.
I calmed down once I remembered that my dad had given me a heavy-duty extension cord, so I have that running across my kitchen now to power my fridge. Not the safest thing, but hopefully it won't be for long. I also have the world's most obnoxious coaxial cable stretched from the one port that carried my internet to an outlet in another room, so I at least have internet access. Luckily it's wireless so my laptop can pick it up.
But I'm almost certain my landlady is going to claim that nobody is available tomorrow, because she won't want to pay Sunday rates to have an electrician come out. I think it's just a blown fuse, should be pretty simple to fix; but I can't find the friggen fuse box to check. The circuit breaker, yes; but the fuse box is well-hidden. Aggravating.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Blech, eggs.
Another ridiculously hot day here. I'd love to put my window a/c unit in, but I can't afford the electric bill seeing as I have no job. But I made myself eat, and I made myself eat eggs even, which ... yuck. Not my favorite. But cheesy eggs with sour cream, and a while later strawberries and white peach, was a decent lunch.
Now the trick is to not each a bunch of crap when I go out tonight.
Now the trick is to not each a bunch of crap when I go out tonight.
Friday, July 20, 2012
Not the best start ...
It's 6:00 and I haven't eaten anything today. I've had a Diet Coke and a few sips of milk. But god, it's just unbearably hot. 102 degrees here today, and it makes it hard to move. Food sounds absolutely unappetizing. I just have to be very careful that once it cools down, I don't end up binging on all sorts of crap because I'm out-of-control hungry!
ETA: I finally at about two a.m. cooked up some burger patties. I really hate the heat.
ETA: I finally at about two a.m. cooked up some burger patties. I really hate the heat.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Pwned by cake.
A few posts ago, I was talking about not letting my baking projects derail me. I had two this week, one a cake I'm actually being paid for (no fucking way!) and the other for my grandmother.
The first one was no problem. It was a new recipe, so I did have a bite of the extra layer that fell apart. Not a problem. The second ... the second was a super, super chocolatey cake, because that's what my grandmother loves (All told that thing has 1 pound 3 ounces of chocolate, plus the equivalent of 8 more tablespoons' worth in cocoa.). I'd made it before, but I made a couple of adjustments to the recipe so I again tried a bite of what I shaved off the top to shape it.
I should have just trusted it was good, because that one taste of chocolate sent me totally over the goddamn edge. The last two days, I was possessed by the god of cake. All I could think was cake, cake, chocolate, cake and chocolate, chocolate and cake ... and that spawned cravings for even worse things. At least chocolate has antioxidants. There's no redeeming value to french fries.
I'm not sure why the first cake didn't unseat me but the chocolate did. Guess I'l have to rely on others to be my chocolate testers from now on, because I clearly cannot be trusted.
The first one was no problem. It was a new recipe, so I did have a bite of the extra layer that fell apart. Not a problem. The second ... the second was a super, super chocolatey cake, because that's what my grandmother loves (All told that thing has 1 pound 3 ounces of chocolate, plus the equivalent of 8 more tablespoons' worth in cocoa.). I'd made it before, but I made a couple of adjustments to the recipe so I again tried a bite of what I shaved off the top to shape it.
I should have just trusted it was good, because that one taste of chocolate sent me totally over the goddamn edge. The last two days, I was possessed by the god of cake. All I could think was cake, cake, chocolate, cake and chocolate, chocolate and cake ... and that spawned cravings for even worse things. At least chocolate has antioxidants. There's no redeeming value to french fries.
I'm not sure why the first cake didn't unseat me but the chocolate did. Guess I'l have to rely on others to be my chocolate testers from now on, because I clearly cannot be trusted.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Couple of off days.
I was staying at somebody else's house the last couple of days, so I didn't try to stick to my plan. Yes, I absolutely could have made my own separate meals and stayed on track, but I opted to just go with the flow. The flow included waffles one night, which I almost never eat (diet or no diet), so that was a nice treat!
Monday, March 14, 2011
A third good day.
And then I quite responsibly ordered a bunless bacon cheeseburger (and a side of vegetables that I never received for some reason). And I still freaking wanted the dessert. But instead, I had this:
And later, when a coworker told me she'd never had the blondie and said we should get one to share, I said no. And when she asked again, I said no again. Let's hear it for self-restraint.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Almost a perfect day.
I ate 100% good healthy stuff today. Cheesecake Pusher had even brought in a new dessert, and I had none. I didn't convince myself it was okay to have a couple of boneless wings, or get a Reese's peanut butter cup egg at the store, or even just have a little too much milk. The only thing I didn't do right was take my vitamins with dinner!
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Increasing my water intake, low-carb treats.
I really like water -- as long as it's cold! -- but I have a hard time drinking it at home because the water in my house tastes weird. More than that, it gives me a headache! My old roommate used to get headaches too. I've been buying 2 gallon jugs of water, but tonight I finally got a Pur filter for my sink. I also got a big plastic jug to keep in my fridge; so now I can have ice cubes and chilled water that doesn't taste funky.
I've been getting myself little low-carb treats the last couple of weeks. In previous attempts, this would've meant stuff full of sugar alcohols and aspartame, some imitation of a high-carb treat. Now, though, I'm treating me to good real food. Right now, I'm snacking on "deluxe" mixed nuts -- no peanuts! Yummy! And they're seasoned with sea salt rather than regular salt, so they have an interesting tang to them. And more potassium than sodium, which is always good. Last week, I got 1/4 pound of lightly smoked gouda and 1/4 pound of creamy havarti. It's too rich to eat more than a slice of at a time, but soooooo good. Simple things, but little things for a bit more variety and a little indulgence!
I've been getting myself little low-carb treats the last couple of weeks. In previous attempts, this would've meant stuff full of sugar alcohols and aspartame, some imitation of a high-carb treat. Now, though, I'm treating me to good real food. Right now, I'm snacking on "deluxe" mixed nuts -- no peanuts! Yummy! And they're seasoned with sea salt rather than regular salt, so they have an interesting tang to them. And more potassium than sodium, which is always good. Last week, I got 1/4 pound of lightly smoked gouda and 1/4 pound of creamy havarti. It's too rich to eat more than a slice of at a time, but soooooo good. Simple things, but little things for a bit more variety and a little indulgence!
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Oh god, I want pizza.
All day today, I've been craving various things I don't need to be eating. First was boneless wings from Chili's. Then more McDonald's. Then pizza. I ate some delicious salty almonds, and that helped. Then I saw a pizza commercial and now it's all I can think about. Ooey, gooey cheese and warm sauce and slightly crunchy pepperoni ... fuck! Driving me nuts!
Relatively unscathed.
Well, yesterday's McDonald's meal didn't send my spiraling out of control today, which is great. I didn't feel all bloated up today, which surprised me; and I didn't have wicked sugar cravings either! Oh, I admit I had a couple of thoughts of "it didn't hurt yesterday, it won't hurt today..." but then I slapped myself silly and walked away from the chocolate.
Mostly. I did get one single Reese's peanut butter egg at the store. It was 18g of carb, and it was delicious. Yes, it could've been spent on something else, but I budgeted for it. I didn't even want a second one when I finished it.
Wish my tax return would come so I could get my pedometer!
ETA: Realized I've really really been itchy today. Wondering if it's connected to what I ate, that was more wheat than I've had at once in a month. Hmm.
Mostly. I did get one single Reese's peanut butter egg at the store. It was 18g of carb, and it was delicious. Yes, it could've been spent on something else, but I budgeted for it. I didn't even want a second one when I finished it.
Wish my tax return would come so I could get my pedometer!
ETA: Realized I've really really been itchy today. Wondering if it's connected to what I ate, that was more wheat than I've had at once in a month. Hmm.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
The chocolate pusher.
We have a regular customer at my restaurant who loves to bring in baked stuff for us. I don't really know his whole story; he spends a lot of time at the bar, but he doesn't drink. He just talks to all of us. He's not creepy, which is a nice change from some of our bar regulars. He's always bringing in cakes and pies he's made at home, glowing with pride and clearly basking in our enjoyment of it.
Tonight, he brought in a flourless chocolate cake, with crushed raspberry sauce. He'd even used a stencil to trace a powdered sugar fairy and flowers on it. It was beautiful, and looked delicious. When I was done with my shift, he asked me if I was going to have some; I said I needed to have some real food first since I hadn't eaten all day (today was crazy hectic). When I was eating, he smiled at me from the bar and told me not to forget to save room for dessert. I just smiled with my mouth full, hoping he'd forget.
I almost made it out, too; then one of my coworkers brought up the cake and the guy's face lit up. He right away cut me a slice and drizzled sauce over it. Fuck. I didn't want to hurt his feelings! So I told him I was full and would take it home. Then I had a tiny, tiny bite, just the very tip of the slice, not even a half a spoon, so that I could give him the big smile and the compliment he wanted.
It really was a very good cake. I did bring the box home, because I didn't want him to see me throw it away. It's sitting on my oven now. I had planned to put it down the garbage disposal right away, but had to clear out the sink first. I did some dishes; I did some laundry; I watched some "King Of The Hill." The cake is still there. Even after tasting it, and it being delicious, and a nice slice of it carefully boxed up in my kitchen ... I don't really want it. I didn't have to talk myself out of eating it; it's as appetizing as the styrofoam box it's in.
And I don't know why. So I don't feel triumphant, or proud, or anything. Mostly ... puzzled.
Tonight, he brought in a flourless chocolate cake, with crushed raspberry sauce. He'd even used a stencil to trace a powdered sugar fairy and flowers on it. It was beautiful, and looked delicious. When I was done with my shift, he asked me if I was going to have some; I said I needed to have some real food first since I hadn't eaten all day (today was crazy hectic). When I was eating, he smiled at me from the bar and told me not to forget to save room for dessert. I just smiled with my mouth full, hoping he'd forget.
I almost made it out, too; then one of my coworkers brought up the cake and the guy's face lit up. He right away cut me a slice and drizzled sauce over it. Fuck. I didn't want to hurt his feelings! So I told him I was full and would take it home. Then I had a tiny, tiny bite, just the very tip of the slice, not even a half a spoon, so that I could give him the big smile and the compliment he wanted.
It really was a very good cake. I did bring the box home, because I didn't want him to see me throw it away. It's sitting on my oven now. I had planned to put it down the garbage disposal right away, but had to clear out the sink first. I did some dishes; I did some laundry; I watched some "King Of The Hill." The cake is still there. Even after tasting it, and it being delicious, and a nice slice of it carefully boxed up in my kitchen ... I don't really want it. I didn't have to talk myself out of eating it; it's as appetizing as the styrofoam box it's in.
And I don't know why. So I don't feel triumphant, or proud, or anything. Mostly ... puzzled.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Vitamins make me hungry; comfort food.
I took my first dose of all my vitamins last night with my dinner. Strangely, about an hour after eating, I got really hungry again. My stomach was literally growling! Happened again today. I can't imagine what it is about my vitamins that would make me hungry again so fast.
Something happened at work tonight that made me really freaking angry. The combination of already being hungry and being pissed made me start thinking evil little thoughts. Thoughts like ... "chocolate, I haven't had chocolate in weeks" and "it wouldn't hurt to order pizza, just one night of pizza wouldn't do anything" and then "I know food won't fix this but I still really really want some cake."
If I had stayed at work, I honestly don't know what I would have eaten. But I was so sick of everything in that place that I just left. I came home, albeit by a longer route because I was still debating with myself if I was stopping somewhere for something. I knew if I got home, I would be too lazy to go back out for junk. So I pointed the car home, where I ate some carrots and the half a chicken breast I had left from yesterday, and I drank some Diet Orange Crush and watched television.
I'm still royally pissed. But I don't want chocolate anymore. Or not much anyway.
I also feel like getting on the scale for some sort of 'validation', which is stupid because my worth has nothing to do with my size and that's an old fucked-up attitude talking.
Something happened at work tonight that made me really freaking angry. The combination of already being hungry and being pissed made me start thinking evil little thoughts. Thoughts like ... "chocolate, I haven't had chocolate in weeks" and "it wouldn't hurt to order pizza, just one night of pizza wouldn't do anything" and then "I know food won't fix this but I still really really want some cake."
If I had stayed at work, I honestly don't know what I would have eaten. But I was so sick of everything in that place that I just left. I came home, albeit by a longer route because I was still debating with myself if I was stopping somewhere for something. I knew if I got home, I would be too lazy to go back out for junk. So I pointed the car home, where I ate some carrots and the half a chicken breast I had left from yesterday, and I drank some Diet Orange Crush and watched television.
I'm still royally pissed. But I don't want chocolate anymore. Or not much anyway.
I also feel like getting on the scale for some sort of 'validation', which is stupid because my worth has nothing to do with my size and that's an old fucked-up attitude talking.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
$100 and 15 hours.
I'm a little irritated; I just looked at my new bottle of magnesium, and it's the same damn magnesium oxide as the old bottle! The sent me the wrong stuff, by the same brand. But I already opened it! Damn. That'll teach me to be excited about my supplements and tear right into them.
Just ate the other chicken breast I cooked last night, when I realized that I hadn't eaten anything in 15 hours. Before changing my eating, when my blood sugar wasn't regulated, I would've had a crazy blood-sugar-crash-induced crying jag about eight hours ago. I'm not feeling any different physically, but my moods are a hell of a lot more stable without the roller-coastering blood sugar!
I've been noticed; vitamins.
A woman at work turned to me today and said, "I meant to tell you last night, you look like you've lost weight." Bloody hell. If she noticed, that means the next time I see my mother or father they'll have noticed too, and I'm just not up for that conversation.
I know for most people it's a compliment. But I just hate hearing it. Before it was because I was ashamed because it implied they were aware of how fat I was. Which was silly, because how could anyone not see? So it's not that now. Maybe because I don't know how to respond to it. I try to just say thanks, even though I don't really think it's a compliment (but I know most people think it is). But people just don't like to leave it at that, they want to know if I really have, how much, etc. I find it all very tiresome.
My Coromega, potassium, and magnesium arrived today! I also went to the store and got some vitamin E. I've never taken that before; but I figured I could use the extra anti-oxidants. Especially since I struggle to eat enough produce. I like fruits; I like a very limited set of vegetables. I keep trying to like other ones -- I keep trying peas, sprouts, zucchini, squash, blah blah blah. The only vegetables I really like are broccoli, cauliflower, carrots, mushrooms, tomatoes (I know, technically fruit), green beans if barely cooked, and limited amounts of lettuce and baby spinach. I've always been a really picky eater, which is why I think I need to take a fistful of pills every morning! I'll also need to get a new bottle of multivitamins -- I didn't realize how old mine were, I thought I'd got them sometime last year but they expired in May of last year. Ack.
Made garlic parmesan chicken fingers tonight; I'd have preferred to bake them but haven't gotten my oven fixed yet, so I fried them in a bit of olive oil instead. Love those monounsaturated fats. I also used a couple of tablespoons of flour since I didn't have any almond meal which I'd usually use. Haven't made those in a very long time, forgot how delicious they were!
I know for most people it's a compliment. But I just hate hearing it. Before it was because I was ashamed because it implied they were aware of how fat I was. Which was silly, because how could anyone not see? So it's not that now. Maybe because I don't know how to respond to it. I try to just say thanks, even though I don't really think it's a compliment (but I know most people think it is). But people just don't like to leave it at that, they want to know if I really have, how much, etc. I find it all very tiresome.
My Coromega, potassium, and magnesium arrived today! I also went to the store and got some vitamin E. I've never taken that before; but I figured I could use the extra anti-oxidants. Especially since I struggle to eat enough produce. I like fruits; I like a very limited set of vegetables. I keep trying to like other ones -- I keep trying peas, sprouts, zucchini, squash, blah blah blah. The only vegetables I really like are broccoli, cauliflower, carrots, mushrooms, tomatoes (I know, technically fruit), green beans if barely cooked, and limited amounts of lettuce and baby spinach. I've always been a really picky eater, which is why I think I need to take a fistful of pills every morning! I'll also need to get a new bottle of multivitamins -- I didn't realize how old mine were, I thought I'd got them sometime last year but they expired in May of last year. Ack.
Made garlic parmesan chicken fingers tonight; I'd have preferred to bake them but haven't gotten my oven fixed yet, so I fried them in a bit of olive oil instead. Love those monounsaturated fats. I also used a couple of tablespoons of flour since I didn't have any almond meal which I'd usually use. Haven't made those in a very long time, forgot how delicious they were!
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