Too far ahead.

I'm falling in to my usual trap when it comes to trying to lose any weight: I start thinking about how hopeless it is. The last time I knew my weight, I'd have to lose 150 pounds to be at a "normal" weight. That's according to the BMI chart, which I think is complete bullshit - but regardless I'd still have to lose a fuckton of weight to even get out of the obese category. And then the mere idea of maintaining ... I know myself. The chances are astronomical of me losing any significant amount of weight and keeping it off. So what's the damn point? I feel really down about it. Even if I just lose enough so most of my clothes fit again, what are the chances I can maintain that loss? 

I'm just not good at sticking to things. I rarely finish projects. I just run out of steam. That's one reason I haven't told anybody outside this blog - and the one friend with the picture of my atrocious weight - about changing my eating. It's also why I haven't told anyone, anyone at all, that I've started working on two separate story ideas for novels. I have a friend who would love to hear that news, because she's always on me about how I have a gift and I shouldn't waste it, and how she's jealous of how easily my writing flows. But I don't want to tell her, because I don't want to disappoint her when I don't finish either of them.

I know this all sounds extremely self-defeating, and anybody I said it to would tell me that my attitude shapes how things will come out, etc. I'm not even disputing it, really. But I've been this way for so long, and I've been failing to finish projects for so long, that it doesn't seem pessimistic. It just seems realistic.

So why am I trying this at all? Today I don't know. I guess I'm hoping that maybe I'll lose enough weight that my clothes will fit, maybe I'll overshoot the mark a little, and then when I balloon up again go through the process again. Which seems stupid. But .... I guess I'm just conflicted today about a lot of things.

I still ate properly today though. And I'm about to try to write some more. The story I've been typing is at 3280 words. That's more than I've written in more than ten years, aside from blogging.