Wardrobe; uncomfortable hope.

Yep, that's my wardrobe. Took up the entire width of my bed.

The other night I dumped out my entire wardrobe on to my bed and started sorting it. My entire wardrobe takes up a four-drawer dresser with two shelves on top, two closets and their two shelves, three 18 gallon plastic tubs, and 25 gallon plastic tub! I was just tired of reaching into my clothes and pulling out things that didn't fit.

So I sorted them in to four categories: fits now, almost fits, almost-almost fits, and 'yeah fucking right.' Oh, and goodwill. I might go through that last one again and pick out some things I might be able to sell on ebay. Some of it is horrible old clothes, but some is stuff like a pair of size 20 average jeans. I may be a size 20 again soon, but I will still have short legs. I seriously don't even know where I got those. And I'm never going to get around to taking them to a tailor to have them shortened!

As part of this, I tried on a lot of clothing that I'd either forgotten about completely (seriously, there was a denim skirt in there that I have absolutely no memory of buying!) or just hadn't tried in a while. And damn, was that blow to my self-esteem. I knew about 3/4 of my wardrobe was slightly tight; but it turns out it's more like 90% is either a little tight or just doesn't fit at all.

And it's not a bunch of  'skinny clothes' either, from high school or something. I got rid of most of those several years ago when I decided I wasn't going to put myself through the diet rollercoaster anymore. These are mostly clothes I bought when I worked at Lane Bryant. They're already fat clothes. And it did really bum me out that night, made me feel quite hopeless. And that's when I realized that I was actually starting to hope that I might really truly lose a lot of weight.

Fuck. I've been down this road before. Multiple, multiple times. There's really no reason for me to think that this will be the time that I actually get skinny and stay that way. The statistics are absolutely not in my favor, and I know that. I didn't start out trying to become skinny; I just wanted to wear my cute clothes again. I feel like I'm setting myself up for failure by even pondering taking it further than wearing my favorite lacy corset top again.

In a rather contradictory way, I'm looking forward to 2/10, which is when I'm going to properly weigh myself.  I know that daily weighs mess with my head; I know that weekly weighs are almost worse because what if that one particular day I've still got a gutful of food, period water retention, whatever. But a month seems like a good number.