The dark days.

I've been fat my entire life, except maybe when I was really little. Actually, I remember at five years old running in to the house, very excited to show my mom that my tummy was flat. At five years old. How sick is that?

I was really only chubby until high school, but I felt like I was the whaliest whale in the universe. When I look at pictures of myself at 14 now, I'm disgusted. I don't know what size I was, but I know I was not fat. But because I grew hips and tits before most of the other girls, I was teased mercilessly for being a lardass.

In high school it got better, honestly; but by then the damage (by other kids, by my well-meaning but slightly moronic father, and by my desperately dieting mother) was already done. I hated myself; I hated everything about my body. I thought I was fat and useless and that nobody would ever love me, let alone physically want me. Basically, I was miserable.

I dieted off and on, but always gained the weight back. My biggest "success" was getting back to a size 14 once when I was .... 21, maybe? But then I stopped dieting and regained all the weight within a month. That was the last time I really stuck to it and lost an significant amount of weight. After that, I mostly just gave up and was fat and miserable. I felt like my skin was slick and oily and repulsive; I felt like I waddled; I felt like everyone who looked at me instinctively hated me.


To be continued ....