After realizing that being fat isn't the be-all-and-end-all of life, I lived quite happily for several years. It took some time to get rid of the morality I'd attached to food -- good food, bad food, "being good", etc. -- and I did that basically by eating, for about three years, whatever I wanted whenever I wanted it. And I actually didn't gain much weight at all, I hovered right around 255.
It was a really good time for me mentally; I needed it. The story I've written in my last three posts is by no means complete; I flirted with eating disorders more than once, but that's a separate story. So for me to stop having stupid responses to food, comfort binging and then reflexive dieting, etc., took a long time. I'm still not 100% sure I can follow any sort of particular diet without sliding back in to a very unhealthy mindset.
So why am I even doing this? Well ... I don't entirely know. For the last year or so I've had occasional diet urges, but couldn't be bothered, quite honestly. No matter what diet you follow, it takes a lot of effort. Add to that the fact that I don't think I'll even have a significant long-lasting impact on my weight, and it seemed pointless. It still does.
But honestly, it'd be nice to be able to wear my fun clothes again. In the last six months my body apparently got sick of its set point and I jumped up to about 275 pounds. I basically have nothing to wear except one pair of jeans and a handful of casual shirts. I could go buy new things -- if I had any money, but I really don't. I spent it all on a dream vacation in November! It wouldn't take much weight loss to be able to wear my favorite clothes again, so we'll see how I do.
Also, the last couple of months, I wake up feeling like my entire abdomen is bruised. I also have a strange .... full feeling a lot of the time, like a combination of overeating, constipation, and a pre-period swollen uterus. (How's that for a mental image!) I'm not 100% sure, but I suspect that my body has finally begun packing fat into my abdominal cavity rather than "around the edges" so to speak. It's kind of uncomfortable! The fat around the edges is also making it a little difficult to get comfortable enough to sleep, something that didn't happen a few months ago.
And I'll admit that there's a part of me that still wants to be "skinny". Just to see what it feels like, I guess. Will it ever happen? I don't know. But if I can at least wear my clothes again, that's a start. We'll go from there.
3 comments:
Hi,
Have you seen your gynecologist lately? I'm not a doctor or anything, but your feelings of "fullness" for several months could also be ovarian cancer. I don't want to seem like an alarmist, but I also think you should be seen.
I had that same feeling of fullness at 270s plus (and I do think it was the fat pressing on the organs). However, like Val said, have it checked out. With women, those inner organs can be growing cysts andother things and not have symptioms until they're LARGE...cysts or worse. And I wouldn't wish WORSE on anyone.
So, yes, please check it out AND try to get it off. If the feeling goes away with 25 lbs, then you know it was the intra-abdominal fat, sure, but you don't want to wait THAT long....
Val, Princess, thank you for your concern. I'm 28 with no history of ovarian cancer in my family, and all my systems are functioning normally, if you know what I mean. The feeling also began when I started rising about my old setpoint. So, I'm fairly certain it's the internal fat. But it's almost time for my regular visit to the gyno, so we'll see what she says. :)
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