Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Almost three years to the day since I last posted.

Over the last three years .... I worked at a desk job for a year and a half, and halfway through started delivering pizza too. Then I ditched the desk job and went back to waitressing, and for a year I was doing that plus the pizza thing. Then I had five colds in two months and decided something had to change, so I quit the pizza gig.
I moved from a shithole of a house with molding walls and a collapsing ceiling, which was near my mom but that was more stress than it was worth - to a little but decent apartment that's near my dad which is sometimes more stress than it's worth.

I got over "the boy" (the Lumberjack) I'd written about before, had a fling with someone else, and then met an amazing man. We had a year and a half of an awesome relationship ... or so I thought. Then he decided to move across the country and would absolutely not hear anything about me going with him.

I can't put in to words how much this has devastated me. The Lumberjack was a whole different story - I fell for him hard, and fast, and took a long time to accept the fact that I'd been played by a womanizer. I had some days of deep, dark depression, exacerbated by being unemployed, broke, family issues, yada yada. Sometimes I felt lost and like the pain would never end, but never for more than a few days, and then I'd have an upswing, a break from the misery.

This ... this feels like suffocating. It's been three and a half months, and it's not getting better. I cry less than in the first month, but overall ... it's so much worse. I feel like I'll never be happy again. I remember the last minute I was happy, and it was right before he told me he was leaving. Since then I've had moments of cheerfulness, but absolutely no happiness.

Everyone keeps telling me it just takes time. I'll find someone else. It will get better. And maybe it will. But right now I feel completely broken. I love him more than I loved anyone before - I've lived in the same area my entire life, but I was 100% willing to follow him to a place I'd never been, just to have more time with him. I feel like he is absolutely irreplaceable - I've never known someone I got along so well with, had such wonderful conversations with, shared so many opinions with, had such amazing sex with.

And he does not love me. He barely talks to me now despite telling me over and over how important I am and how much he cares about me, and how much he'll miss me, and how perfect and wonderful I am. I haven't heard his voice in two months and I spend every day feeling like there's something riding around on my shoulders, squeezing my chest and trying to push me to the ground.

I've run out of writing steam so I'll explain why the fuck I'm posting here again later.


Amy W. said...

It's easy for us to tell you "it will get better" or "it will get easier"...because for most of us, we are not feeling what you are feeling at this very moment. But, for many of us, we have been there...some people in worse situations, some people...not so bad. I think from time to time how I would feel if Heather ever left me...and it's scary. I would be heartbroken. I am not sure I believe that there is one person for everyone, but I do feel like some souls match better than others...but it may be possible to have more than one soulmate. Of course...I like to think her and i are just for each other. I do feel that if something were to happen to us, I may be able to love again...but it wouldn't be like this love. And so...that's my long way of saying...you just have to hang on. There can be something us, or someone else, that can make you happy again. In the meantime, maybe try and use this horrible thing to tap into something else? Something that may sound so silly right now like...writing...yoga...fucking cross-stich? Love is so wonderful when you are in it and so painful when it leaves. Stay strong.

FattyMcFatPants said...

Thank you, Amy. I wasn't really expecting anyone else to even see this, so it was nice to see such a kind comment.