Still computerless.

And it's driving me bonkers. If prostitution was legal, I'd turn a trick to get the money to fix my damn computer.

Okay, not really, but I'm super irritated.

I was doing well on the eating front until I stupidly got on the scale last week. I ought to know better. No matter if the number is good or bad, it sends me into a spin. I thought I was prepared for it, but I obviously wasn't. If it's bad, I get depressed and eat. If it's good, I feel pressure to continue and I get depressed and eat. Gah.

Well, that was fun.

When most weight loss bloggers drop off the face of the earth, it's because they're wallowing in a puddle of their own tears and Twinkie wrappers. And I haven't been having a perfect run of it, but that's not why I haven't been blogging. No, my reason is simpler: my damned computer died.

I still haven't gotten it fixed; I don't know when I'll have the cash. So I don't know when I'll be regularly blogging again, but I hope everyone out there is doing well and I'll see you as soon as I get my personal system is up and running again!

Sugarfest.

The last two days, I've been acting like a petulant child who doesn't want to eat her vegetables. Instead I've been eating sugar. Not even because I was craving it -- just because every time I looked at a chunk of meat it seemed so deeply unappetizing. I should have just forced it down!

Bored, bored, bored.

I really don't know how people maintain diets for really long stretches of time. I'm so tired of meat, and cheese, and nuts, and produce. I'm tired of reminding myself all the time that I shouldn't have the stuff I want to eat, and choking down things that don't sound good because all I want is a bowl of noodles. I did it again today, but I feel completely unsatisfied.

Yes, I know I'm whining. I'm just feeling grumpy right now!

Somehow I made it!

After an extremely hectic day yesterday I worked a double shift today, and I managed abstain from the junk food. I nearly caved mid-afternoon, but at the last second I cancelled the fried cheese order (damn breading) and ordered turkey and cheese, plain. Not the most exciting meal, but within limits!

Couple of off days.

I was staying at somebody else's house the last couple of days, so I didn't try to stick to my plan. Yes, I absolutely could have made my own separate meals and stayed on track, but I opted to just go with the flow. The flow included waffles one night, which I almost never eat (diet or no diet), so that was a nice treat!

Not perfect, but still on track.

I snacked on a few chips today, and had three boneless wings as my carbs for the day. I shouldn't have, I was mindlessly eating, but I kept myself in check for my meals so I think it balances out.

Forgot my vitamins again though!

A third good day.

I wanted to eat junk all night. It was slow at work, and I was bored, and tired, and cranky. And I started thinking about the maple butter blondie, and the crunchy walnuts and super sugary sauce. I thought about how delicious it smells, and how warm and bubbly the sauce gets, and what a gooey and delicious mess it makes when it mixes with melty ice cream. And I thought that one more day might not hurt, and if I maintained while eating poorly for a whole month what was the difference?

And then I quite responsibly ordered a bunless bacon cheeseburger (and a side of vegetables that I never received for some reason). And I still freaking wanted the dessert. But instead, I had this:

And later, when a coworker told me she'd never had the blondie and said we should get one to share, I said no. And when she asked again, I said no again. Let's hear it for self-restraint.

Another good day.

I once again didn't eat anything I shouldn't have today. I'm especially proud of that because my ulcer was bothering me, and eating large quantities of starchy food makes the pain go away (not sure why other than maybe it sucks up the excess stomach acid?). But I kept slowly sipping milk and waited it out. If it had been much worse I don't know if I'd've been able to; but today the side symptoms (nausea, hot flashes and cold chills, a trembly sort of exhaustion) were worse than the pain, and I could deal with it.

I even took my vitamins today!

I also realized that I may have lost a little weight last month after all; when I weighed myself the number was the same, but my period started later that day. That water retention, added to bloating from eating too much sugar, was probably a few pounds. But it'll just go toward my next weigh-in total.

Almost a perfect day.

I ate 100% good healthy stuff today. Cheesecake Pusher had even brought in a new dessert, and I had none. I didn't convince myself it was okay to have a couple of boneless wings, or get a Reese's peanut butter cup egg at the store, or even just have a little too much milk. The only thing I didn't do right was take my vitamins with dinner!

No progress.

But I didn't really expect any with my utter lack of effort this month. At least I held steady!

I suck at this.

Cheesecake Pusher brought in another dessert, and I didn't even try to resist. Fail.

Bad me, no cupcake.

I hate it when the managers get cupcakes and birthday cakes for people, especially on busy nights when I know I'm not going to be able to properly eat until quite late. I had a horrendous night (why do people go to restaurants and act like dickheads?), I was feeling sorry for myself, and I had a chocolate cupcake. Bad, bad, bad. Whenever I'm restricting my eating, for whatever reason, my emotional eating problems seem to flare up again. I know the cupcake didn't put any more money in my pocket or make people any less rude. I knew it before I stuck it in my mouth. Eating it was a stupid decision.

My friend on the HCG diet gave up after about three days. Color me not surprised.

Blah blah blah.

I opened this post last night, but had nothing to say. I still don't, really; nothing worth mentioning has happened on the diet/food front in the last couple of days. The most exciting thing was getting strawberries for 2 for $4!

Motivation and lack thereof.

I did alright today, despite the little voice in my head whispering about the delicious things I could order at work, and how one more day wouldn't hurt, and didn't I want to try that new pasta dish? It was a little difficult to push away temptation, because I don't really have a motivation to. That's the problem with the whole "I don't mind being fat but let's lose some weight anyway." There's no sense of urgency.

I ended up managing to order something appropriate by thinking about how horribly cranky I was the last couple of days, and reminding myself I'd just feel that way again if I went and ate a bowl of chocolate. And then I nearly ordered dessert anyway because one of my tables did and it smelled so good. That's the problem with working in a restaurant: constant exposure to my trigger foods. I have to keep reminding myself that it makes me feel physically unwell to eat that stuff more than once every couple of weeks. It's not worth feeling like I have a boulder in my stomach. Right?

Easier day.

I had less cravings, but I also felt so tired all day. And I suck at remembering to take my vitamins.

Knowing and doing.

I know that if I just eat appropriate things for a few days, the sugar cravings and crankiness will go away. I know that just a couple of days of wanting to scream at everyone who looks at me will pass quickly, and then I'll go back to feeling level and not hungry most of the time.

Yesterday I gave in and had french fries late at night; today I made it through. Hopefully that will make tomorrow easier!

Still alive.

Not that this makes me unique, but I freaking hate getting sick. Colds that might make normal people miss one day of work knock me out for three or four days. Which is actually an improvement -- before I had sinus surgery, an average cold would have me lying on my couch and unable to breathe for two weeks. So, you know, progress.

I haven't been paying the slightest bit of attention to what, if anything I've been eating, other than trying to eat a piece of fruit or something carrots every few hours for the vitamin value. Some days that was all I ate. One day, when I absolutely had to go to work (sorry to anyone I infected, bastard managers), all I ate that day was a chocolate dessert because the hot chocolate and cold ice cream sounded like heaven on my throat.

Yesterday, though, I engaged in some ridiculous emotional eating. I don't know what macaroni and cheese and ice cream would solve, but it didn't work. Instead I felt jittery and nauseous and even threw up a little. Lesson learned.

Damn you, immune system.

How am I getting sick MORE often now that I'm taking vitamins and eating more produce?

Dragging ass.

I think I could easily sleep for a week right now! Not for any particular reason, just feeling quite tired and as such have nothing interesting to say!