Nothing and yet too much.

My brain feels curiously blank lately. My emotions are still running all over the place -- had two different cry-sessions today over the ex -- but I feel like I have few coherent thoughts about any of the emotions tumbling around inside me.

I did have a couple of good evenings. Yesterday I spent most of the day with my dad, taking him home from the hospital and making sure he was as okay by himself as he insisted. Then I went to the restaurant I worked at to meet a friend to go for a drink, but she was running late so I sort of hung around reading for a while and chatting. Then we had a drink (Jack Daniels and Diet Coke pour moi), she had some cigarettes (I didn't even ask for one, and I smoke sometimes when I'm stressed out), and we talked. She's been so busy moving, working, and raising her three kids that we haven't had time to hang out in a long time, so that was really great.

Today, I saw my grandma for a while and had dinner with my younger cousin. She's about to turn 17, and I probably talk to her about more things than I should, but she and her sister have always been more like my sisters. We talked about boys and cried over our respective heartbreaks, which felt a little weird to me. Usually I'd suck it up and try to put on a brave face for her. But she told her therapist during a family session that our family doesn't share emotion, and so she feels like she's not allowed to. So when I started getting all freaking weepy about him, I didn't hide it. I hope it was the right thing to do.

Anyway, for a while after both of those social activities, I felt better. In fact, yesterday I felt happy for the first time in a long, long time. But it didn't last; a couple of hours later my sad came back with a vengeance. Interestingly, none of this unhappiness/brief forays into normality have had an effect on my eating. Sometimes when I'm happy I want to eat a bunch of junk because I feel like I'm happy, so why change anything? And sometimes when I'm sad, I eat because who the fuck cares. Haven't vacationed in either emotional eating spot though, which is nice.

I haven't made very good food choices though, at least in terms of spreading my carbs out. They've tended to be clustered around one meal. So I need to work on that a little. Haven't done any exercise either; I'm still just ridiculously exhausted from last weekend because I haven't had more than two hours of sleep in a row since then due to leaving my phone on in case my dad needed me. He never did, but plenty of other people called me. Constantly.